Having to go to treatment a second time, in such a short amount of time began as a disappointment for me. I thought “when am I going to get it, what am I going to learn, who am I, will I ever get it and will I ever learn to be happy and deal with life on life’s terms.” I honestly never expected toe series of continuous realizations and wins that I’ve experienced since being back, to happen. I have spent the last 23 years soul searching to say the least, thinking I was stronger and tougher than I was and that would lead me to burying real feelings and emotions further and further down, choosing to numb them with drugs, which ultimately resulted in bouncing in and out of rehabs, shrinks, doctors, mental wards, medication, etc; losing everything I owned with materialistic value and most importantly, losing my family and the love and respect of my beautiful children—all because I was unable to confront all of my past issues, because I didn’t know how to understand them and make sense of them—until now.
This program and the staff have gone above and beyond for me to truly get to the underlying issues that I needed to confront. The most important part was the way that they did it, by allowing me to figure it all out and unravel it all on my own. I believe it truly all began to make sense to me when the Ethics Officer really had me read, word clear and gave me checkouts on justifications, responsibility, overts and withholds, motivators, etc. The essay on justifications made me realize how it tied hand in hand with responsibility. When doing the exercise it made me see that basically I spent my whole life justifying every OW that I’ve done. I was such an irresponsible person because whatever responsibility I was given, no matter how bad I messed up, my family and ex-husband always picked up the pieces for me. I was also good at placing blame on everyone. Fully understanding the word “responsibility” now, I know that I am accountable towards every action (both negative and positive) that I make.
I Am Accountable for My Actions
Regardless of the situation, the actions of others around me, or anything that is out of my control, I need to be held accountable for every action that I choose to take. I also realized that all of my past events in life and everything I chose to do as a result, does not need to continuously have an effect on me in PT, which leads me to my PTS interviews I had today with the Ethics Officer.
Using the steps in the book, which he followed, unknowingly to me, proved how much this program has changed my life. For the first time in 23 years I am so happy to say that I was finally able to start making sense of my past, unraveling the complicated mystery that consumed me for so many years and having the willingness an open mindedness of confronting it all, as I was instructed to do. I feel as if doing all of this, being open and honest to all my raw emotions and confronting and disconnecting from all of the events that weighed so heavily on for so long, has proven that I am a very strong woman, who has just begun to get to know the real person that’s been hiding behind the wall, I’ve spent so long and hard building. I can begin to see the light from the cracks in the wall and the woman that’s waiting on the other side, is the woman I can’t wait to unravel and get to know…ME!